The not-so-sober thoughts of a designated driver

Photo courtesy of MCT Campus

Generally when I go out on the weekends, it’s a lot like that Katy Perry song “Last Friday Night.” Hilarity ensues, most often caused by yours truly. So after a particularly, um, interesting night, I promised my friends a few nights of designated driving. Consider it self-mandated community service. Below are five things you’ll likely encounter if you ever find yourself in my situation.

5. Caffeine is your friend

11 p.m. can be late. Especially when you are totally sober wearing uncomfortable shoes, and you are in a bar full of blathering drunk people. Exhaustion will make the howler-monkey-like screeching girls at the next table unbearable. And without caffeine…

4. Expect Anger

Hey, I get cranky too. It was right around 1:30 a.m. when we were just in the home stretch of the night and my feet were nearly falling off. There’s something about wearing 3-inch heels with an absence of tequila in my system that makes me a bitch.

3. Your friends will be idiots

See number four. I love my friends. Otherwise I wouldn’t call them this. But when they are drunk and I’m not, literally everything they do is ridiculous. No, my roommate probably didn’t need to stop and talk to every person she saw. She also probably didn’t need that random shot of “I don’t know.” But, I did remind myself how I got into this mess. And also that time I had to be strongly discouraged from accosting a guy with Pauly D hair.

2. All guys are douche bags

Granted this one probably had a little more to do with the certain downtown bar I was running operation DD in, but still. As a sober person, everything any boy said to my friends seemed like the most moronic thing I’ve heard in the history of words.

1. At the end of the night everyone loves a DD

Sure, your friends might not express their love immediately, but it’s there. And make sure you remind them of it next time you need a ride downtown.