Words by Kiana Duncan
We came, we saw, we made it through an entire semester hungover. Is that by Julius Caesar? I’m not sure, I think I skipped statistics too many times. Or is that even the right class? Anyway, my point is we’re almost done. And for some of us, that can be very scary. I think I just threw shade at myself. If you’ve said some of the following quotes in the last month, you may be completely unprepared for the end of the semester:
“Where are my finals even at?”
“I think I have 42 cents left on my meal plan.”
“Last time I checked, I forgot to breathe for two minutes and six seconds.”
“The last time I washed my clothes was Welcome Weekend.”
“Sometimes I swear this amount of caffeine makes me hallucinate.”
That last one may or may not have been said by yours truly. Anyways, just because your life is a metaphorical trash bag left out in the rain doesn’t mean you haven’t learned anything this semester. One week you almost get hit by a car daily, the next you don’t sleep for three days. One tragedy at a time (Kiana Duncan, copyright 2015). Through these trials and tribulations, we do actually grow as people. Mostly around the waist, but I’m just going to continue blaming that on my unhealthy, abusive relationship with mozzarella sticks. (P.S. I’m sorry I only call you when I’m drunk.) Without further ado, here are some things we’ve learned on the road so far:
Sleep is for the weak. Psh, I’ve been awake for 32 hours and I’m only 40 percent sure this is a dream. It’s a great thing coffee comes in 817,261,736,482 flavors.
Sleep is for the week. I swear to God if my roommate wakes me up from this four hour power nap I’m going to be charged with murder. Say, how much sleep does the average inmate get? Eight whole hours? Well, someone’s going to be doing an over-average amount of jaywalking this week. #Badass #ArrestKiana2k15
The small things count. It’s OK if the highlight of your day is planning your dinner. It’s OK to cry once in awhile because you have to get out of bed. I promise. Then again, you may not want to take advice from me. I’m still running on 32 hours of sleep. The other night I cried because I dropped a spoon, so that’s where I’m at.
You will learn how to “college” eventually. By this, I mean that it won’t take you five tries to swipe into your room. You won’t constantly push on the wrong side of the door. Upperclassmen will stop laughing at you (because you’re a freshman. They’ll still laugh at you because you do stupid things.)
You will learn the full meaning of caffeine dependency. You think you scare me?! Last year I drank four cups of coffee and took a nap directly after. Nothing scares me anymore.
You will never wash your comforter ever again. And do you really need to, for that matter? I mean, there are a lot of milk, orange juice, Chipotle, chocolate and cream cheese stains. I eat most things in bed, OK? As for the other ones… well, let’s not talk about those.
Jeans don’t really need to be washed that much. A lady at the Cleveland Zoo judged me harshly when I said out loud that jeans don’t need washed more than once a month. That’s OK, right? Right? Guys?
Sometimes baby animal pictures are the only thing that keep you from crying. Someone better show me a baby iguana or I will scream. Other recommended Google searches include penguin sweater, pygmy goats and micro pig.
You’ll embrace your major stereotype. Did you know journalists are known to eat terribly, swear like sailors and become alcoholics? The more you know.
Seeing a dog on campus will make your whole week. This has been the start of way too many of my conversations. If you don’t know the breed, name, duration of petting and ability to imitate its face, it didn’t happen.
You will learn the importance of owning a planner. A planner is the bible of college students. If it’s not in the planner, it doesn’t exist. Sister’s birthday? Sorry, not in the planner. Awkward.
You will consider becoming a stripper/prostitute more than once. I mean, it doesn’t look hard and modern history is awful. Plus, call girls look classy. Then again, I’m not sure I have the abs for a stripper pole or the endurance for heels. Plus, I’ve seen one too many episodes of Law & Order: SVU.
You will find your home here. Even if your semester started off rocky, you eventually find your place. You’re going to be OK, kiddo. Just stick with me.