Words by Kiana Duncan
If you’re reading this, it means you survived your first winter break. Or it means you dropped out and you’re reading this while taking a smoke break in the alley behind Buffalo Wild Wings where you work. No judgement. I would do dirtier things for free wings. Regardless, you’re reading my article, so you must be doing something right.
If you live anywhere south of Ohio and didn’t grow up with a fear hypothermia, I hate you. Whether this was your first winter break or your last, you probably experienced a few odd feelings. Is it because you just binged on “Tau Beta”? Is it because you… well, yes, you did do that. Don’t lie. Besides the tacos weighing on your stomach and soul, home was starting to creep you out, and here’s why:
Day 1: IT’S MY CAT. OH, LAWD, IT’S MY CAT. My mom is making me fettuccine alfredo, my dad wants to hang out with me, even my little brother is acting like he missed me. Well, he said, “Can you pass the rolls?” at dinner, which is pretty much the same thing.
Day 3: I forgot what it was like to completely and totally relax. I forgot what a bathtub looked like. I forgot what it was like to watch Netflix without guilt. I have finished ten seasons of “Law and Order: SVU” over a tub of cookie dough with a cat on my lap, and I couldn’t be happier.
Day 4: OK. Time to get super healthy. I’m going to start running, eating green stuff, doing Pilates in the morning…
Day 5: LOL, those cookies?
Day 6: OK, I still can’t poop here. Should I be worried? Plus, my brother keeps asking why my boyfriend looks gay in every picture.
Day 9: My entire extended family is here and the topic is suddenly on my love life. My aunt just asked if I need help meeting boys. Hell is real. I secretly just didn’t want to tell her I’ve been dating a guy for a year and a half because then they’d have to meet each other, and ughh… you know, why don’t we just talk about your racist values instead, Sharon?
Day 10: So, my high school friends aren’t as great as I remember. Also, something weird is happening; last night when I went to go see a movie after midnight, my parents said a strange word I hadn’t heard in months: no. This can’t be possible. I’m going to go crazy if I don’t see another person in the next day. “The Shining” kind of crazy. Danny is certainly not here, Mrs. Torrance. No one is.
Day 14: I swear to God I just saw two cows having sex in a field. I need someone to fly me out of this country hell. Why is everyone wearing camo all the time? It’s not even hunting season. What are you hunting for? Your self-respect? You’re not going to find it in Wal-Mart. (LMAO, just kidding, I love Wal-Mart. ) But seriously, stop wearing camo for everyday things because then you just end up on my “People of Wal-Mart” snap story.
Day 15: *is bitter*
Day 16: Let’s play a game called “take a shot every time you see a lifted truck.” Kidding. I’d be dead. Then again…
Day 20: If I watch anymore Netflix, I’m going to die of boredom. But it just keeps getting worse. If I see one more person I hated in high school, something drastic is going to happen. And no, I don’t want to see pictures of your kid while I’m enjoying my pancakes at Denny’s.
Day 22: I forgot how little there was to do here. I’m going to Target for fun. Well, who are we kidding? Target is actually thebomb.com.
Day 24: I’ve started saying lame things like thebomb.com.
Day 25: Today, I knitted while drinking tea with a cat on my lap. I’m turning into a grandma.