Words by Kiana Duncan

Lifeless bodies wandering around. Dead-eyed students shoveling Taco Bell by the poundful into their mouths. Sweat, tears and the sounds of screaming children. It may sound like the zombie apocalypse, but it’s actually…finals week. So basically the same thing.

You may think “How is this week different from any other week? I’m always stressed!” Oh, child. Oh, honeysweetiebaby. You will see things this week that will make you question if your job at Old Navy would actually be that terrible as a lifelong career. You’re going to see things this week that you may never see again in your life. Students shamelessly taking naps in public. A girl in a Harry Potter sweatshirt literally running down the esplanade away from her problems (in case you haven’t guessed, I’ll save you the time—it’s me.) I may not have a lot of (sane) advice, but here’s what I’ve concluded you will probably do in the weeks leading up to finals.

  1. Pour Red Bull into your coffee. See sounds. Hear colors. You are superhuman.
  2. Clean your room at 1 a.m. because you can’t put off this paper any longer. How long has it been since my desk was dusted and my ant-covered dishes were rinsed off?! It’s the perfect time to get that done!
  3. Clean everything. Wash your hair. Wash your clothes. Wash your cat. You don’t have a cat? Adopt a cat.
  4. Play Adele’s new album until you break down sobbing and call your ex.
  5. Order 15 new bras from Victoria’s Secret because you have a 10 percent off coupon and retail therapy feels healthy.
  6. Let your friend try out her first time cutting hair on you. It’s cheaper than a real salon, and you haven’t had a haircut since you left home. Right guys? Right?
  7. Tell that annoying girl what you really think of her.
  8. Cry and apologize to annoying girl while drunk. Befriend annoying girl.
  9. Regret befriending annoying girl.
  10. Google “How much does a stripper make?” multiple times.
  11. Watch baby sloth videos until uncontrollable tears stream down your face.
  12. Realize you ate an entire pizza in one sitting and not feel the least bit of regret.
  13. Fall asleep on your book while studying. Reverse osmosis.
  14. Drunkenly go through your high school yearbook. Try to find at least 20 people who are doing worse than you. I’m doing better than the “rapper” with the toddler. So that’s something.
  15. Bake cookies for your neighbors. No time like the present to make friends.
  16. Burn said cookies. Make frisbees for your neighbors. No time like the present to make friends.
  17. Have a strange health crisis. WebMD says there’s a .03 percent chance it’s elbow cancer, so obviously you’re dying and it’s time to say goodbye.
  18. Have an actual mini health crisis. Finals week was just the perfect week to get the flu and a UTI. Dinkleberg!
  19. Do something regrettable and stupid because you’re just trying to live in the moment OK?! Besides, my “I love mozz sticks” tattoo isn’t ridiculous at all. 10/10 employers would totally hire me. Maybe 9/10. Well, now that we’re on the subject..
  20. Cry a lot, and maybe eat way too much Rosie’s, but it’s OK. For every dumb, hilarious mistake you make warming up to finals week, it’s just another thing you learn (and something for an upperclassman to post about on Yik Yak).